C Me Lapdance
by M.I Starlight
Summary: Remus Lupin and Kingsley Shacklebolt find themselves in life-threatening predicaments after Remus saves two damsels from a life of sin. For mature audiences only, please. This is your only warning!
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

Gaius Travers, esteemed owner of the C Me Dance Club and Adult Bookstore saw Remus Lupin as he entered the establishment. Gaius frowned and snapped his fingers at Mystic Marlene Mckinnon, his best dancer. Remus rubbed his chin and sat down at the bar, taking in the atmosphere. Mystic Marlene approached him, her wig pink and her skimpy outfit even more pink.

"How about I dance for you while you hang out?" she said, twirling her hips and breasts to the danceable beats.

Remus, his expression unchanging, acted as though the dancer had no affect on him. He turned to her and lit a cigarette, smoke coming out the end like a snake coming out of a basket after a snake charmer charmed the snake.

"You're too pretty to be in this club," he said, after inspecting her closely. Damn, she was hot, he thought, but remained cool and composed. "The things you ladies do for money probably really ticks off the devil."

Mystic Marlene grinned at him and started to dance. "I like to live dangerously. Like I said, all I want to do is dance while my customers hang out. Nothing wrong with that, is there?"

Gaius, who was watching from afar, had a feeling that Remus would be spending a lot of money on Mystic Marlene tonight. He stroked his beard approvingly, snapping his fingers at his next best stripper: Acrobatic Anzhelina Dolohov, the Russian minx. Anzhelina flipped off the stripper pole one, two, three times and landed on her feet. The men in the audience clapped and threw money at her. Anzhelina went over to Marlene and Remus and danced next to Marlene, grinding against her.

Remus quirked an eyebrow. "Interesting," he said. But then suddenly, he stood up and turned his back to Anzhelina and Marlene, as if he were defying them. Defying the evil of their half-naked bodies. "No, you must stop this. I won't stand for you two beautiful ladies degrading yourselves on such a monumental level."

Gaius watched this exchange from afar; his nostrils flared. "Hey, man," he said, approaching Remus. "What's the deal, man? You don't come here and insult my ladies like this. Who do you think you are?"

Remus grabbed Gaius by the shirt, lifting him off the floor. "I'm Remus Lupin, a creature you don't want to mess with, and by the looks of it, you obviously know nothing of hell." Gaius tried to recoil, but Remus' tight, tight grip was way too tight.

"Hey, man! Chill a bit, won't you?"

Remus brandished a wad of money out of his trousers and waved it in front of Gaius' face. "I'll buy them both. I'm getting them out of this disgusting place, and taking them somewhere better."

"Now we're talking," Gaius' eyes lit up at the sight of the money. Remus could have sworn he saw dollar signs in them. "Just don't damage the merchandise, my man. You know what I'm sayin', dog? These are my best girls, and they need to look the same whenever you decide to bring them back." Gaius stepped back from him, adjusting his leather jacket and collecting himself.

Remus, in one swoop, tossed both Anzhelina and Marlene's limp bodies across his broad shoulders. Anzhelina and Marlene prostested, but Remus didn't notice. "Ready?" he said charmingly. They shook their heads. Remus exited the pub, leaving Gaius standing there open-mouthed. "Man, that guy has style. I wish I were that cool," he said, and pocketed the money into his leather pants. He was wearing a matching ensemble.

"You fucking idiot!" Anzhelina said to Remus once they got outside. "I didn't ask to go anywhere!"

Remus smirked at her. "That's because you don't know what's best for you. But never fear -- I'll protect you both now. Think of me as your guardian angel."

Marlene rolled her eyes; Anzhelina looked unimpressed as well. Remus led them both to his motorcycle. "Hop on," he said. "I'll take you for a drive, to a place where the Devil's long, grasping hands can't reach."

Marlene snorted loudly. "We better be getting paid for this," she said, but did as Remus told her.

Remus drove the strippers into the sunset on the back of his motorcycle. They held on for dear life as he sped cooly through the streets, zooming past people and not giving a damn about predestrians. He sped and sped until finally he came to a halt. They had reached his apartment. Marlene and Anzhelina hopped off and crossed their arms over their huge chests. Remus hopped off as well, pants squeaking sexily and heeled boots making sharp noises on the wet pavement.

"So are you going to take us upstairs or what? We don't have all night, you know." Marlene asked him, looking annoyed.

Remus smirked. "Hold your horses," he said in his baritone timbre. Remus opened the door and led him up the narrow staircase. They followed. Once they reached the door to his apartment, he allowed them to walk ahead of him. Once they were inside, he unbuttoned his shirt and revealed taut muscles, dripping with unexplainable sweat and defined. Marlene and Anzhelina glanced at each other, then, they started to disrobe themselves before Remus stuck out one hand and pressed it flat into the air.

"No. Don't." he said dramatically. "Not tonight."

"Tonight we'll sleep. Sleep our problems away. Sleep until the roosters wake us in the morning, or the sun from the windows shines on us like God shining down from the heavens in a magical display of this earth's beauty."

Marlene and Anzhelina rolled their eyes. "Fine," they said in unison, and looked rather bored as Remus drifted off into a peaceful slumber. Instead of sleeping with him, they dug his wallet out of his trousers and pulled out his remaining cash, stuffing it in their respective bras.

------------

The next morning, Anzhelina and Marlene were awoken by the sounds of banging pots and pans. Remus was standing naked in his kitchen, cooking them breakfast. Anzhelina and Marlene had cuddled and slept very close to each other out of habit, and looked up at Remus with confused expressions.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Anzhelina asked. "I hope you don't expect us to eat that."

Remus turned around smiling, revealing everything to them. It swung back and forth like a small child on a swingset. "You must eat. You two must be hungry. I imagine Gaius Travers doesn't feed you very well in that wretched place of sin." Anzhelina and Marlene shrugged -- he had a point. Gaius Travers wasn't very kind to them.

"That's more like it," he said, giving them plates filled with all kinds of delicious breakfast foods. "Eat up," he continued. "We've got a lot to do today. We must also get you two some appropriate clothes. You can't run around town in those outfits."

Marlene looked offended. "But this is how we dress!"

Anzhelina looked a little offended as well. "Yeah -- why can't we wear what we want?"

Remus wagged his finger at them to silence them. "God doesn't want you to. Like I said before, this existence of ticking off the devil must come to an end."

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Marlene and Anzhelina's eyes drifted to it. Remus pressed his finger to his lips, shushing them. He pulled a gun out of oven and cocked it, sneaking towards the door. He peered through the peephole. There was yet another sharp, hard knock. Remus' expression of fear turned into a grin as he saw who it was. Kingsley Shacklebolt was on the other side of the door. Remus pulled it open, and they embraced each other in a tight hug.

"Shit," Kingsley said. "Who did you think I was?"

Remus lowered his voice. "One can never be too certain these days. The Devil has many disguises."

"Kingsley, I'd like you to meet the two strippers that I picked up. They're very lovely women, and they're very happy I was able to rescue them." Remus said, pointing to the two half-naked women on his bed. Kingsley wiped his brow.

"Damn. You're not kidding," he said. "Nice to meet you, ladies. The name's Kingsley Shacklebolt. I'm an LAPD officer, but a cool one, if you know what I mean."

Anzhelina and Marlene looked impressed at his introduction. They giggled and blushed, obviously more into him than Remus Lupin.

"Anyway," Kingsley went on, turning back to Remus after giving the ladies a saucy wink. "You need to watch your back, Remus. After you left the strip club, the Devil was hot on your tail. I think he already got to the owner of the strip club. Last night, I found a pair of leather trousers in one of the dumpsters outside."

That bastard," Remus said. He slammed his fist into a wall angrily, making a hole. "Well, he won't get to us. I'll make sure of it."

Kingsley looked worried. He knew they didn't stand a chance against their enemy without a well constructed plan of action. "Hey, don't get too cocky. You don't know what he's capable of, and since you've gone and ticked him off even more by rescuing his strippers, I can't imagine how angry he is right now. Shiiiit. Just promise me you'll watch your back."

Remus shook his head. "I promise," there was a short pause. Remus' eyes looked Kingsley up and down. "You know, you've always looked out for me."

"Well, that's what friends are for," Kingsley smiled, patting him on the back.

Remus stepped closer. "Friends? Is that really all we are after all these years?"

"Uh," he said nervously, taking a quick step backwards. "I gotta run. I'll talk to you later, all right? Stay out of trouble. And please just remember that the Devil won't rest until he's killed you and your strippers." With that, Kingsley backed out of the door and was gone.

Remus turned around and looked at Marlene and Anzhelina, who were watching with amused expressions. "Finish your food," Remus said. "We can't stay here much longer. I must get you two to safety. I don't think you understand how important it is. You're my responsibility, strippers, and I won't let you down."

Anzhelina and Marlene both nodded, finally realizing how serious the situation was. Remus disappeared into another room, and seconds later, emerged fully clothed, the beast between his legs unfortunately no longer in sight. Wind blew and knocked the windows open, sending a breeze through his hair. He put his sunglasses on.

------------

It wasn't long before they were all back outside. Kingsley had swapped the motorcycle for a van, hoping to throw the Devil off. His plan was to crash the motorcycle into a river, hoping the Devil would think someone had gotten to Remus and the strippers first. Marlene and Anzhelina both piled into the front passenger seat. Remus hopped in on the other side. They sped off, and as they did, Remus pressed a button on his wristwatch. Behind them, the building exploded. Flames shot into the air.

"All right," Remus said. "Let's roll."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

Remus and the strippers drove all throughout the day and into the night. Rain splattered on the windows, and Anzhelina and Marlene were huddled up in each other's warmth. Anzhelina quickly fell asleep, but Marlene stayed awake, watching as Remus plowed down the road without a single regret lingering in the forefront of his cerebrum. He lit a cigarette, finished it, and flicked it out the window. Marlene looked around the van, taking in everything. There were postcards pinned to the visor. Pictures of Remus from long ago, back when things were simple. She looked to the side of her and noticed that his keychain looked familiar -- it read 'The Waxing Werewolf', the name of a club Marlene once danced at.

"Looks like you've been a lot of places," she said quietly, careful not to wake Anzhelina with her soft voice.

Remus' eyes darkened. "I don't want to talk about the places I've been, little one," he said, turning his head away from her. There was a dark shadow across his eyes. He looked so mysterious in the dim lights, like a stranger that you wouldn't want to accept candy from unless you had a death wish. "Why don't you want to talk about it? You've got my friend and I here, tearing us away from everything we know. Why don't you want to talk about it?!"

Marlene was getting angry. Remus snarled at her. "I said no! When I say no, that's precisely what I mean."

Marlene jumped at the sound of his raised voice. "If that's how you want to be," she said. "Seems to be like you've got a lot of pain in you."

Remus shook his head. Marlene didn't know anything about life -- Remus had been places Marlene couldn't even dream of, and so he couldn't blame her for not understanding the situation. "That is how I want to be. That's how I've always been, since I was a young boy." Remus turned his head to glance at her -- she was such a fine piece of work, but no, he couldn't. He wouldn't. He had to resist the urge. Just then, someone walked in front of the car as he sped down the road. Remus put his foot on the brakes.

It was Kingsley Shacklebolt again. "Get out of the car, Remus," Kingsley shouted, banging his hands against the hood of the car. Remus' eyes narrowed. He eyed Kingsley, but something didn't seem right. He saw a flicker of red in the irises of Kingsley's eyes. Something definitely wasn't right.

Kingsley approached the side of the van and pulled Remus' door open, violently. Remus clenched the steering wheel like he clenched women.

"Didn't you hear me?" Kingsley's voice raised even more. "I told you to get out of the car." Kingsley grabbed Remus by the arm and yanked him out. Anzhelina was awoken by the sounds of disruption, and together with Marlene, she screamed. Remus allowed himself to be yanked out of the car. He fell to the ground and landed on his knees. Something definitely wasn't right. Something about Kingsley seemed oddly... evil.

"Remus, I need you to let me take the strippers. I can handle it from here," Kingsley said, eyes flickering red.

"Kingsley, there's something different about you," Remus looked at him suspiciously. Smoke was issuing from his nostrils -- Remus could see his teeth. They were fangs.

Kingsley grinned. "There's nothing wrong with me," he said.

Remus gave him one last look and then -- "All right. I trust you. Carry them to safety."

Kingsley chuckled evily. "Not a probem, Remus," he said.

Remus stepped out of the way. The strippers inside were yelling something, but Remus couldn't quite make it out. Remus waved happily at Kingsley and the strippers, and they drove off.

"Man, something was off about Kingsley. Oh well," he pondered aloud to himself. And then, he realized that it was not Kingsley. Not his friend. Not his confidant. He knew because he didn't feel the familiar tingling sensation that always surged through his body whenever he was in Kingsley's presence. It was the Devil, and the Devil had once again made a fool of him.

Meanwhile, the Kingsley impersonator was driving the strippers away from the scene. Marlene and Anzhelina looked frightened, and they had every reason to be. He grinned at them evilly. "I tricked your friend. And now, both you are mine. Forever! Don't even think about trying to get away!" he snarled.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" shouted Marlene suddenly. In one swift motion, Marlene and Anzhelina used their stripper skills to immobolize the imposter. They kicked their heeled feet high into the air and stabbed him in the face. Kingsley swerved the van, and Marlene and Anzhelina were able to safely hop out of it even though it was moving. They landed safely on the side of the road. The van crashed into a ditch, and Kingsley was thrown out of the windshield. The girls watched, thinking he was dead, until he suddenly rose to his feet and weakly walked away from the scene. Marlene and Anzhelina ran in the opposite direction to search for Remus, heels clicking and breasts flying in different directions.

During the time this was happening, Remus stopped at a gas station to ask if anyone had seen a white van. Now that he didn't have a car, he had to be certain he was going the right way. He approached the gas station, but noticed a familiar face sitting on the curb outside of it. The bottom half of this person was missing its clothing. He was without his trousers. A bell in Remus' head rung, and he realized it was Gaius Travis. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

"He's taken everything from me," he said, sobbingly. "You must find him and kill him. Without my strip club and adult bookstore, I have nothing. I have no one."

"I'll do what I can," said Remus, assuring him that the Devil wouldn't get away with his wrongdoings. Gaius turned to him, looking up at him. "You are an inspiration," he said. "You're the chosen one. You can make this world right again."

* * *

The strippers, though alone, seemed to be doing fine for themselves. After crashing the van and ridding themselves of the Devil, they were able reach the next town in one piece. They decided to stay at a motel, hoping that Remus would have the same idea because Remus liked hotels.

It was the middle of the night and rained poured from the clouded skies when Remus burst through the door to their room. He was soaking wet from head to toe. Anzhelina stayed asleep, but Marlene was awoken by the instrusion. She quirked an eyebrow at him. "You're alive," she said breathlessly. "So are you," Remus replied, looking her body up and down like his eyes were broken inside his head. They closed the space between them. Remus removed his coat, water dripping from his chin. "How were you able to get away from him?" Marlene smiled a playful smile. "Us strippers are a lot smarter than we look," she said. "You look pretty smart to me," Remus replied, attention focused on the two heaving globes of farm fresh lettuce protruding pointedly from supple, milky skin. Not a word was spoken after that, and before they knew it, they were enveloped in each other's tentacles, arms touching every inch of each other's body.

Together, they fell backwards on the bed. Remus quickly unsheathed himself from his trousers, letting them descend to the floor in a puddle at his feet. Marlene watched excitedly. She was happy. Happy that finally, she would be giving herself to someone she actually loved. She was no longer a stripper, but a lady now. Remus was going to make her one by having sex with her. He was going to make her a classy, classy lady. Marlene removed her bra and threw it across the room. It was like unwrapping those lettuces and getting ready to make a delicious but wholesome salad covered in your favorite dressing. Remus thrusted forward, pushing past inevitability, and Marlene's mind was wiped of all her tribulations. The wind howled. The trees rustled. The birds chirped. The cats meowed. The earth shook. The grass tumbled across the field into the dusk forevermore until the end. That end. Anzhelina, who wasn't asleep after all, shifted uncomfortably.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

It seemed that fated night spent in the comforting arms of one Remus Lupin was years and years ago to Marlene, but really, it had been only one year. In that hotel room with the lights dimmed was the last time she saw him; muscled chest and penis freed from their respective cotton and silk prisons, dominating her night vision. Marlene could still sometimes feel his girth between her foreign regions like tourists backpacking across barren landscapes, climbing mountaintops and pitching tents. She had dreams about him. And right now, as she wiped off a counter in the waffle house, she was daydreaming about him.

"I heard they're hiring dancers at that new club down the street. It's called Barebacked. Some man runs it. I think he goes by Fenrir Greyback," Anzhelina interrupted Marlene from her thoughts, giving her friend a grin. "I was thinking about paying him a visit."

Marlene jumped. "Oh, Anzelina. Anzhelina, I really don't think we should start stripping again. We've moved on, haven't we? Remus Lupin rescued us, and now we've got a pretty good life here. We don't want to throw that away, do we?"

"I suppose not," Anzhelina looked down to the floor. And they did have a good life now. They had stopped stripping to open their own waffle house, selling delicious breakfast foods and smiles to their many customers. They were able to afford the whole city building, and transformed the rooms upstairs into a cozy home for two. No longer did they reveal more cleavage than necessary, although the round pertness of their bosoms was still plenty evident to anyone who looked.

Marlene brushed her hand against her best friend's pale face, carressing it. It brushed against her blonde hair and breast, too. "Look, Anzhelina. I don't want to see you anywhere near Barebacked. You hear me? That place is trash."

Anzhelina nodded, biting her lip. "You were thinking about him, weren't you?"

Smiling, Marlene's eyes twinkled. "That's all I can do these days. Think about my hero."

Anzhelina let out a sigh. "We'll see him again. I promise." She placed a kiss to Marlene's forehead, and when she turned around to get back to work, she noticed that the entirety of the waffle house was staring at them, specifically the men.

-------------

That night, Marlene could not sleep. Anzhelina slept soundlessly next to her, but not Marlene. For every single time she batted her eyes shut, she saw Remus Lupin's face. The face of the love of her life. She let out a dramatic sigh. Remus Lupin had told her he had to leave to save the world. Marlene selfishly didn't care about the world, and wanted nothing more than to have him back in her arms.

-------------

The next morning, business was as usual. Sometimes in the morning Anzhelina and Marlene would seranade their customers whilst spinning around the pillars in the store.

In the afternoon, the door swung open ominiously. In stepped a man, taller than most men, draped in finest clothing they had ever seen. He took a seat, crossing his legs.

"You ladies sure are cute," he said gruffly.

Marlene and Anzhelina exchanged glances. "What can we get for you?"

"Oh, I doubt it's something that can be served in front of your other customers, if you catch my drift," the man grinned, revealing a pointy gold tooth. "How about you two take me in the back later?"

Anzhelina looked enraged. "Excuse me? Don't talk to us like that."

"I do have the right girls, don't I? I mean, it's hard to recognize you with your shirts on."

"Who are you?"

"The name's Fenrir Greyback. And the two of you are a legend, if I understand it correctly. I'm here to make a proposition, one that I know y ou won't be able to resist."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Remus Lupin woke up in a troubled haze. Where was he? Who was he? What was he? A man? A serpent disguised as a dove? There were voices and he could hear them calling to him, shadowed figures creating vague shapes in the white fogginess of what he thought was his memory of himself. He did not know who he was anymore, but in his spread hands he could feel the newly ripened grapes atop firm Florida oranges like it was yesterday. He could feel them betwixt his long, flexible fingers. Mystic Marlene Mckinnon's virginity was at the forefront of his mind, like he had just finished stealing it. He pounded the earth beneath him and dust rose into the air which caused him to cough. The earth was hard. And then, just then, for just a moment he remembered how he had been hard.

"That's not going to get us out of here, sister," spoke a familiar voice. Remus looked up. Kingsley Shacklebolt's eyes were on Remus' crotch. His eyebrows were raised high like the fabric of Remus' trousers.

"Never mind that. Where are we?" Remus asked groggily. "How did we get here?"

"While you were busy wet dreaming I've been trying to figure that shit out," Kingsley said, feeling up and down the stone walls of the room with his fingertips. "Looks like we're trapped, for the most part. I hate that devil."

"I can't stop thinking about her, Kingsley," Remus replied unlisteningly, the tears in his emerald, diamond-shaped orbs (one green, one blue) dripping painfully down a pale, chisled cheek. The tears were almost as painful as the jaggedness between his legs which throbbed in rhythm with his unsteady heartbeat. Thump-thump, thump-thump. Thump-thump, thump-thump. And the blue marbles. The blue marbles. Kingsley stopped and turned to Remus; he sighed, feeling pity for his friend.

"I don't blame you. If I had a stripper as fine as Marlene, I don't know what I'd do," for a moment, Kingsley looked thoughtful. "Well, actually, yeah I do." There was a pause and Kingsley chucked to himself, looking quite amused. "Anyway, we have to get out of here."

Remus looked around the room they were in. There were three solid walls and a row of metal bars. Past the metal bars Remus could see an array of doors and he knew he had the key.

"How do I know I can trust you, Kingsley Shacklebolt, if that's your real name? Which I don't think it is, by the way! Just so you know!" Remus' eyes turned into angry slits. He growled. "The last time I trusted you, you turned out to be an imposter! How do I know I can trust you this time! How do I know anything anymore!" His voice raised considerably and echoed off the bare walls as tears continued to cascade down his body, eventually soaking certain parts of his shirt and seductively revealing his impressive musculature.

"That was the devil, Remus" Kingsley replied cooly, rolling his eyes at Remus' chest, reminding himself that now wasn't the time to be thinking about how he'd storm Marlene's Mckinnon's trenches if given the chance even if they had already been dug by Remus. "He has many disguises. And he's the one who brought us here together to rot. After you slept with Marlene, you left her. You knew it was too dangerous to be with her so you left her. You broke her heart like it was made of glass. We met again, the real me, to go after the Devil and this is the result. They beat us up and threw us in here like animals."

"I am an animal, Kingsley!" Remus muttered darkly as in inhaled. "So what if I believe you. What now?"

"I think we can fit through those bars over there," Kingsley said wisely. "I was testing them out earlier. But we won't know what's out there, which is why I need you at your best, okay? You've got to pull yourself together."

Remus nodded and got to his feet. They stuck their heads out between the bars to see if anyone was coming, and then put their previous experience as esteemed Cirque Du Soleil performers to business. Kingsley glided through the bars gracefully like a trained dancer. Remus was about to follow, but something stiff and hard was keeping him from doing so. It was Remus' endowment, fully and completely bloomed from his dreams of Marlene, of that special time they shared having mind-blowing sex. It clanked against the metal.

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiit, I told you that thing wasn't going to help us any," Kingsley said, irritated. "Damn it, Remus. Are you happy now?"

Beat.

"I know of but one way to fix this," Remus said, his green eyes slowly rose to meet with Kingsley's black ones. He stared at his friend romantically, taking in every inch of him. Kingsley stood there for a moment on the other side of the metal bars and it took a moment for Remus' idea to register.

Beat.

"What? No. No. Heck no. I don't think I'm comfortable with that," Kingsley throwing his arms into the air as his eyes grew big.

"But it's the only way!" Remus protested, and he had a point. They didn't have much time. "We're friends, right? You can trust me just as I am trusting you."

Kingsley's expression softered, and he slowly nodded. They were friends. And they could be so much more.

[To be continued as soon as possible, faithful readers! ;), I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! I could barely keep both hands on the keyboard. Kingsley is changing a bit as you can see and I would love to explore that more.]


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